A Month Gone By

I started this journal when I was separated from my first husband and had just married my second. I thought I needed a change and a new journal so I left my old one behind. I can't even remember my username for it or even if that site exists anymore. I logged on today to express my thoughts about today's date, but now I'm thinking now that I'm onto a whole new chapter of my life maybe it's time to start another new journal. I'll still give it thought, but onto my current thinkings...

 

Today marks one month since Mike has passed. It's been an extremely quick month and in the beginning, I wasn't thinking about him so much, but lately I seem to be thinking about him more and more. I'm not sure why, but I think it might be because lately I'm feeling rejected by Marc. Every time I go near him he starts pushing me away... literally. He holds up his hands and pushes me away. Last night I was getting excited about something and started jumping up and down and he immediately said, "Go away." And I was like, "Go away?! I haven't done anything." And he says, "I know how you get when you get bouncy." The bouncy part made me laugh, but the rejection I felt caused me to cry myself to sleep last night because he does that to me all the time. If I try to hug him when he comes in from work he just pushes me away repeating, "no."

 

I'm going to try not to be affectionate with him for awhile until I figure out how I want to handle the situation. I like to think before I act and I definitely like to think before I speak so I have to come up with a way to discuss it with him that will help to fix our relationship, not cause any damage or fighting. Sometimes it takes me a couple days to decide how to approach a problem, but that's okay. I rather not blurt out my feelings when I'm angry or hurting and then have him be defensive and then we start getting louder and louder until we're yelling at each other. That's how I used to approach things with Mike, I always spoke when I was emotional and I won't do it anymore.

 

I have more I want to touch base on but I've run out of time.

 

~CLM

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