I really don't know where to start. When I haven't posted in awhile I'm always overwhelmed with whatever it is I want to say. A lot has been going on! Too much. I guess I'll start back in December.
I had noticed something was going on with Michael. He had finished his outpatient program in September and I had been worrying about him since then. Off and on from Sept. to Dec. things did seem a bit off. However, in December it seemed to be a consistent feeling. I didn't collect any money from Michael in December, allowing him to keep it all for his Christmas shopping. Or so I thought that's what it was going towards. Ever since his relapse last year I make sure I get ALL the money he makes, but he'd been clean for 9 months and I knew he had to get things for Christmas so I told him as long as he gives me enough for his bills he can keep the rest. Mistake! We spent all December fighting, me not knowing he had relapsed again. All I knew is that something was going on. The day after Christmas we got into a huge fight and I sat him down and told him I know he's been hiding something for 8 weeks, to just tell me already. It was at this moment he told me he'd been hooked on pain pills. Slightly relieved it wasn't heroin again I didn't say a word. Usually I burst out in anger. I took a moment to collect my thoughts. I asked him what he wanted to do. Because if pills and drugs is what he wanted, we'd be done. He explains he wants to get clean and that he'd taken his last one. I let it go. Because it was Christmas break and I didn't want to ruin it for the kids. I told him we'd revisit the conversation when the kids were back in school. He spent the next 3 days in bed withdrawling. After those days we just went on with the kids as normal, acting like all was fine.
Christmas break over, kids are back in school. I lay down some rules. Things I don't believe you should do in a normal marriage, but if you've got an addict you've got to have rules. First rule is he's not allowed to go anywhere except to and from work, I will track his phone at random. Second rule, I get all pay stubs, and then the cash the next day. Rule three, I deleted any numbers in his phone he shouldn't have and I am allowed to check his phone whenever I want at random. Rule four, I'm keeping an eye on his Facebook also. The final rule was he was not allowed in the two towns he normally goes to for his drugs. He is to drive the longer ways around those towns. He agreed to all these and I agreed to help support him as long as he got his ass back into the outpatient program. He explained to me that when he quit going in September that he didn't feel ready, that he only did it because it was becoming a financial burden. I told him I don't care about the money, all I want is for him to stay clean.
I explained to him I understand he will be an addict for life and I will be by his side through it all as long as he always comes to me about it so that I can help him before it's too late. I thought things would SLOWLY get better for us now.
January came and I was getting the pay stubs and money. At least I did for the first two weeks. The third week came and I told him to keep $140 for his gas for the week and cigarettes, but I want the rest. He said okay. He came home 2 days after his pay day and $300 was already missing. I asked him where it went and he couldn't explain it. I let him slide that week and told him the next week I want it ALL. He agreed. When that week came he said he didn't get a pay stub. I wasn't buying that. I started to yell, but then calmed myself down quickly knowing that wouldn't get me anywhere. I just kept saying to him, "Where's your paystub Mike?" Eventually he said it's in the truck. I said, "You lied to me. I thought you didn't get one?" He shook his head and said he never said that. "Yes you did!" I yelled, "You JUST SAID IT!" One more time I asked where it is and he admitted he spent it on drugs. At this point I'm suspecting heroin again. I explained to him then and there I would have stuck by his side through it all if he could have been honest. He knows I can't be with a liar. I told him it was over and to leave. He collected some things, left.
He texted me non-stop for a couple days. I didn't respond thinking it's over so what's the point? I wasn't sleeping so I had pretty much 24/7 to think. I couldn't leave him. I didn't want to divorce another person. I didn't even want to divorce my first husband. It took me a long time to come to grips with that failure and it still haunts me. I don't miss him and I don't love my first husband, but it pains me to know he wanted out and that I had to go through a divorce. I didn't want to go through another one.
After days of ignoring Mike I told him I no longer want a divorce, but I wanted a seperation instead. He agreed to all my previous terms and an addtional rule that he must go to NA. The first time he misses a pay stub, an NA meeting or didn't sign up for rehab we were just done. I was very serious, I'm still very serious about it. I won't tolerate the lies! Since then he's been going through all my rules. Any money he gets he has to bring receipts home from me. He signed up for the out patient program immediately after I told him about the seperation. They keep me updated. He's been going to NA. I want him to go twice a week, but he was trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days as they suggest. He hasn't been able to do that, but at least he's going a lot and still trying. He got his 30 day clean and serene key chain today. :) It's nothing compared to the 10 years he was clean, but he's still proud of it and as long as I show him I'm proud of it, he'll continue to strive to do good.
I'm not sure what will happen to us. The important part is he's cleaning up and he's so different now. I've always said he's amazing, and he'd be perfect if it weren't for his addictions. But who he was before is nowhere near as wonderful as who he is now. NA has changed him so much!! The kids don't really know what's going on. They just think we're taking time to figure out what's wrong so that we can fix it. I do hope we get through this, and that we can live together happily. We have been SO happy for the past 3 weeks. We haven't talked about what we're doing about us, just focusing on him getting better and then we'll see. But this guy is my husband, not my boyfriend, so I have to make this work. I will support him and be by his side no matter what as long as he's always honest and he doesn't cheat or abuse me. So that's the update on my relationship/seperation.
As far as other things... Valentine's Day I had Kendra's birthday party. She had a great time, we had all three kids. We got to keep MJ an extra day because of presidents day. However, on the way home from dropping MJ off some guy lost control of his truck and hit my car, sent Mike into a ditch and then took off. Michael was okay, but the front of my car was ripped off. I have to replace the tire and the rim and the front bumper. So far I got a new tire and hopefully Mikey is going to get me a rim this week. With all the snow going on, Mike's work got called off for a full week so we haven't the money to fix the car at the moment. It's weird having to rely on him to get me anywhere. It's like I'm in high school again. I am mad about the hit and run though. Nobody stopped to see if Mike was even alive. Even passerbys kept going. What if there was a child or a baby in there?! MJ could have been in there. Thankfully this was after Michael had dropped MJ off. Ugh! I can't think about it anymore.
In the midst of all this I registered for my final course at school, so I'm pretty close to getting my certificate. So while Mike is working on bettering himself and getting clean, I'm working on my schooling and getting it done so I can get signed up for the externship. Once I finish the externship they're going to offer me a job. :) So excited about that!! I have more to say, but this is too long as is so I'm done for now.