It's Him

I saw Michael's body today. I know my previous post was about him getting cremated, but apparently I was lied to. He hasn't been cremated just yet. His mother went and seen him yesterday and stopped by today. I had a nice visit with his mother and his cousin. She had taken a couple pictures of him, which I do think is weird. 😨 I was undecided about going to see him. I didn't want to regret seeing him and I didn't want to regret not seeing him, I should have went and seen him. When his mother first offered to show me the picture I was creeped out, but after thinking about it I thought I better look. I need closure, I need to be sure it's him. So I looked... it's him. He looked like himself, but again he didn't. He looked fake, yet he looked really good looking. Okay, that may be weird. He actually looked better looking than he did when he was alive. In the end, I do regret not going to see him. I wish I had. πŸ˜ž


But here I am looking at this picture of this man I was once married to, it's not him anymore, I know. It's just a body. But I'm looking at it questioning how can I fix this ⁉ I can't, I know. I know death is final, yet I still hold on to hope that it can all be fixed... that this was all a dream. I want to talk to him so badly. I keep thinking how he doesn't know anything that happened to him, he doesn't know what he's done. He doesn't know that his mother and I are sitting here talking about how great he was, how shitty he was, yet remembering him fondly. I want to call him and tell him all this. πŸ“ž I want to tell him everything!

 

A friend of mine told me to write him a letter and seal it. πŸ“ She's sure he'll read it and visit me in my dreams. I'm not so sure, as I don't believe in any of that. I don't know what I believe in, but it's not that. Maybe I should write him a letter, just to get it all out of my head. But then can I type it, can it be in the computer? πŸ’» Can he read that just as easily as he could read a letter? If he can read a sealed letter, why can't he read a closed document? Okay, maybe this all sounds crazy! I just want to tell him everything and THERE'S NO WAY TO!

 

Look what you've done Michael❗❗ Look how you've made so many people feel? Children, men, women, elderly people, all of us!! These are not the things I want to say to him. I have more important things to say, I just really wish I could.

 

I loved you Michael, I loved you so much and you will always be somewhere in my heart. You will forever be in my thoughts and I will always long to talk to you just one more time. I'm sorry I couldn't love you enough to keep you on Earth. Now, I will forever wonder if we had done things differently, would you still be here?

 

~CLM

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